My ideal order from the menu of life…

What follows if the heartfelt and inspirational editorial from issue 50 of Doncopolitan, the #HeadHealth issue. To read the full issue sign up to our newsletter here.

My ideal order from the menu of life.

Most people will be surprised to find out that my life goal didn’t include a career flip into active addiction, as I was actually a very successful addict I reached the depths of despair rapidly, isolated, and alone wondering down a trainspotting spoof that was not all funny.

I always thought the pain and trauma in my childhood would make me somehow rock and roll, a mystery, an enigma, an unsolvable puzzle, the reality was the only person struggling to solve myself was ME. From a young age I knew I didn’t fit, I felt different, I wanted to be anybody but me. Claudia, from babysitter’s club, I read the books, I desperately wanted to be her, I used the books and my imagination to escape through her a fictional character. My lack of identification with people escalated, on the outside I was confident, gregarious, and full of life, so my mask led me down a path where validation from other people and pleasing them became how I connected. THEN I found a fast conductor of connection alcohol and drugs, wow this was great I had a persona an identity a reason, I was the fun time girl I was ‘cool’ all my insecurities gone the beats of the music bound me to those around and in those moments, we were one

Daytime always has a partner that is so much darker.

This spiritual mental, physical disease took hold of me over the years. That was driven by a compulsion to the change the way I feel, which always resulted in an almighty shit show of guilt and shame and hatred of who I was. The most socially unacceptable, unexplainable way to be for someone who just desired to belong.

When I grow up, I want to be an addict. Is not a phrase you ever hear, say or think? You don’t find addiction, addiction finds you.

I felt flawed, broken and alone I just couldn’t understand why I was continuing to cause myself, my family and those around me such pain. I wasn’t being the loving kind parent I was born to be, the disease had a real grip of me.

Seeking help from doctors and psychiatrists to be given a list of letters, BPD, PTSD with no solution. It wasn’t until a fellow addict suggested to me that I could find help from a 12-step fellowship I gave it go. I belonged here, I had purpose I could begin to unravel my behaviours in a way that made sense to me, I replaced my reliance on substance with a reliance on a higher power and the universe.

I discovered my people my tribe. My name is Ruth and I’m an addict.

Leave a Reply